Taking Back Our Orgies
by luvscharlie
Summary: Buffy has learned the Twilight Fandom is taking away their fangirls Complete Crack-- BTVS/Twilight


_Taking Back Our Orgies_ by Luvscharlie

It didn't seem like the day could get any weirder. I mean being chased by vampires through a cemetery is pretty weird, right?

You'd think so.

But not for me, Buffy Summers. It's pretty much a routine night when you're the "chosen one." Not sure why I couldn't have been chosen for something like winning the lottery or, you know, I'd even go for just being chosen to be Little Miss Nobody. The girl no one talks to or even notices. There are times I think that might not be so bad.

Of course, most of those times are when I'm huddled behind a tombstone in the cold waiting for some vamp to make his reappearance into the world, or fighting for my life. When you're fighting for your life, dull seems pretty darn good.

I just want to point out that it's bad enough when you have to do all this demon hunting/vampire slaying/_not_ sleeping at night, but today Giles tells me that apparently vampires operating at night has become blasé, completely last year. The rumor is that there's this new breed (I make vampires sounds like dogs, but hey, if the shoe fits…) of vamps up in Washington State that get to walk around in the day light hours.

And get this. They sparkle. Yes, I said sparkle. Seriously.

So now, it's bad enough that I'm going to have to miss even more down time. When's a girl supposed to shop, chat with her friends, get her nails done? Just look at this pinky nail, I broke it on a tombstone three days ago in pursuit of a vamp who I think must have had some acrobatic training during his human days.

But I'm rambling. I do that some times. Particularly when I'm stressed.

I mean at least before I had the daytime when I was vampire-free. But some crazy group of vamps has gone and decided that they're all special; they don't need to follow the rules. Whatever happened to vampires being all about traditions? Is nothing sacred, I ask you?

I'm told there's something special, probably a ritual of some kind I've never heard of, going on for these vamps tonight that should have them and their groupies—vampires with groupies—I tell you this world is going to hell in a hand basket—out in droves. They made a brief appearance last year in public too, but I was lucky enough not to hear about that until all the craziness died down. Thankfully. I'd like to believe this would not happen again, but Giles tells me that this new sparkling thing has gotten out of control. People can't drive down the street without being blinded by the vampy sparkle. And so much for secrecy. Oh no, these guys are loving the popularity.

Tonight, however, I plan to be in Washington to put a stop to this vampires during daylight hours nonsense. I can't be chasing vampires around 24/7 now, can I?

"Buffy."

"What, Will? Can't you see I'm busy here?"

"Well, I see you're talking to yourself, which sort of worries me."

"I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking to them. Out there. Don't you see them?"

"See who? Buffy, you're scaring me? Is this one of those only the Slayer can see it type things? I don't like those things. I want to see something if it's going to eat me. Is something going to eat me?"

"No, of course not. I can't really see them either, but Giles says these vampires in Washington have groupies. He says we have them too, but that our fandom—silly word huh, fandom?--has been dying out lately. He says these groupies are called fangirls. Kind of catchy, huh? Giles says they can see us, but we can't see them."

Willow turned and waved. "I don't want them to think I'm being impolite. Do you think I waved in the right direction?"

"I don't think it matters. Giles says they can see us all the time."

"Even when I shower?"

"I'm told they really like to write things about when we shower. They put men in the shower with us. You know how sometimes you're in the shower and you don't know how, but all of a sudden Oz is there with you and he's doing _those_ things."

"That happens to you too?"

"Yes! And Giles say the fangirls do that."

"Oh, I should say thank you. But it feels kind of silly to say thank you out loud when I can't see who I'm talking too. Still, it's been an awful long time since that sort of thing happened."

"Giles says the fangirls are tired of us. They're writing about other vampires now."

"Oh, but what about us? I liked the shower sex."

"Well, apparently these new vampires that sparkle are all the rage, Will. So I'm going to Washington to stake them and take back our fangirls. We'll have our shower sex again. I promise."

"Oh, well, that's what I came to tell you. Giles says you can't stake the new vampires."

"Of course I can stake them, Will. I'm the slayer. Staking is sort of what I do."

"Giles says this time it's different. These sparkly vampires are vegetarians. They don't hurt people, just animals, but Giles says that makes them vegetarians, and while I disagree, it didn't seem right to quibble with him about it."

I stuck out my lip. Maybe the fangirls won't like to see me sad. "But I don't want those new vampires taking our fangirls away."

"But you don't even know what these fangirls are, Buffy?"

"Well no. But they're mine and I want to keep them. You know, Giles said that if the fangirls go away we're not going to get to have sex anymore because the Network—no, I'm not sure what the Network is, but it's keeping us away from sex and taking back our man-filled showers, so I think it's evil—will never allow it."

Willow paced the room, in what I call her thinking mode. "Buffy, I really like having sex. Are those fangirls the ones who make it so we get to have sex, you know, with everyone? All the different people, I mean, not just Oz. I mean, that does happen to you too, right? It's not just some dream I'm having cause I do that sometimes."

"Well, six months ago there was you and me in the graveyard on the—"

"Oh, then that wasn't a dream."

"They're the ones. I bet if we could get them to pay more attention to us, they'd write us into some orgies again. I do miss orgies, don't you, Will?"

Willow paced some more. "Screw what Giles says. I'm going with you. We're staking those sparkly vamps and taking back our orgies!"

_A/N: This was originally written for the fandom_Fridays community on Live Journal, where the prompt was "It didn't seem like the day could get any weirder…" This was also my first attempt at writing outside the Harry Potter Fandom, as well as my first attempt at a crossover. _


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